not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My bed smells like the plague
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
