What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
