I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
