Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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