Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
