I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
