just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
