I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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