Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Green mimosas i think yes
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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