How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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