mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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