I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
