This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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