i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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