just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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