Quick, to the slutcave!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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