I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
