I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
