She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
