i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
