idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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