so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
