just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
