This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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