Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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