Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
