you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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