ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
