So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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