Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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