Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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