You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
