so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
