I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
