My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
