There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
