I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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