Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
