I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We had sex on a dog bed..
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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