Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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