I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
