You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
