Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
