im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
