You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
