The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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