my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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