Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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