He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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