The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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