dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
