get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
